what's with me?

when was the last time i laughed all out? people think that i am siao. people think that i am a joker. people think that i a happy go lucky girl. you think so too?


i can only say that i am so tired of acting funny and acting funny in front of friends and families. yes, i don't bottle up. but, whenever i tell someone things, am i saying what i really mean?


i really forgot when was the last time i laughed all out. maybe in USA? like 4 months ago? how come i am feeling so horrible now? how come i am thinking so negatively now? how come i don't seem to be what i used to be. i thought i had a lot of dreams. i thought i had a lot of faith. i thought i had a lot of beliefs. but where are they now? who can i talk to? i realised that i lost the ability to talk. lost the ability to laugh.


i told many that i think my life is just like a crossroad with no traffic light. i don't know how to move forward anymore. i really don't know. lost and desperate.


work: work sucks. totally sucks. i really don't know what to do. how come i am like such a failure? how come i'm not improving. how come all is not according to what i have planned. how come? how come? how come?


family: i am spending less and less time with them. i am guilty. when was the last time i had a really good heart to heart talk with my mum. when was the last time i have good dinner with them with all 3 of us siaoing together? despite the table being small, we enjoyed everything together. a family being together is so sweet. but i am not doing that anymore cuz i am always not around. i am no longer the fillal girl. i am no longer. no longer. no longer.


friends: yes. i get to met them up. but when i am with them, i am not happy. i am not being myself. i hate to think that i will influence them, cuz they cannot find anymore laughters in me. sorry my darlings. sorry my friends. i don't want to happen. but i cannot force myself to be siao siao anymore. is hard. if your do realise, i am no longer that meishan. i am no more your joker. no more. no more. no more.


love: yes. it sucks completely. i don't know how to explain. was it even a correct decision to start opening myself when i was back from USA. i begin to doubt it. really doubt it. when i was in uni, i shutted off every opportunity. even though, i was never able to find happiness in love, i had succeeded in other areas. i did well academically. i was the top student. i was the most fillal daughter and the most faithful friend. maybe looking back, into the r/s with ZH. i was indeed happily in love but i did really badly in sch. maybe afterall i am not suitable to fall in love. maybe the fear of a r/s was a warning to me that i shouldn't even open up my door and i should continue to shut myself off all possibilities.


i am always so envious of girls who have their bf loving them so much. being loved and loving others is an extreme different case. being loved is happiness. loving is a torture. and the latter always find its way to me.


maybe is time i start running. and maybe is time i start shutting my door before i get hurt again.


Unless i can find someone who can assure me that i will be loved. unless i can find someone who is going to love me more than i do. unless i start to believe again.